Philadelphia

I wrote the following poem about the city of Philadelphia, though it represents the conflicted feelings we can have about any place, object, or event from the past:

It's been two years since our painful break
Two years - and still my heart does ache
I'm paralyzed whenever I come near
Plagued by gnawing thoughts and indistinct fear

I can visualize one starry night
When I was captivated by city lights
Peace came to rest within my soul
And I dared believe I could be whole

But tranquility toyed with my fragile self
And I fell from the blow I had been dealt
I hope this nightmare does not last
So I may return to the city long since passed

As you may recall from my earliest posts (or knowledge of my background), I attended optometry school outside of Philadelphia. In those months, I hit a turning point in my struggles with anxiety. Things got really bad. I felt isolated and overwhelmed. It seemed like I was alone.

Partly because of those facts, I did what nobody wanted me to do: I left professional school and turned my back on a stable and respected career. I don't know if anyone implied I was a failure, but I sure felt like one. My future changed drastically in a short period of time.

At that time, though, I finally sought more significant help for my illness. Despite the fact that leaving school was a difficult decision to make, I respected myself enough to defy all the expectations everyone had for me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, losing the debt and responsibility associated with professional school allowed me to start a family earlier - and to stay home with my babies without worrying about the need to pay off student loans. I didn't realize what a blessing that would be.

In those first few years after I left school, returning to Philadelphia generated an intense wave of feelings. I thought about how it was the first time I lived away from home. Even though I shared an apartment, I had my own space. Beyond school, I dictated my schedule and activities. I remembered the fall leaves in the woods behind my apartment; autumn smelled wonderful there.

My husband would visit me some weekends, and we would venture downtown. We were already engaged, but he finally gave me a ring and formally "proposed" near city hall. Later one night we stood outside city hall and looked at the city lights stretching into the distance. I remembered feeling excited, optimistic, and at peace all at the same time. My future, like the lights, seemed bright.

Of course, that was all an illusion, in some ways like Philadelphia itself. Despite the fact that many parts of the city are beautiful and fascinating (especially the historical areas), Philadelphia is surrounded by a ring of grimy, run-down neighborhoods. I had to pass through these parts to get from school to the city; I witnessed some very disturbing things. The eye clinic associated with the school was located in an unsafe neighborhood. During orientation, a police officer gave a presentation on all the extra precautions we needed to take. The public transportation system, which was new and exciting to me, was also unpleasant and smelly.

So what do I make of Philadelphia? Do I allow the bad parts to drown out the good parts, or do I focus on what makes it unique and appealing? It seems to me that this city of my past is a good metaphor for my own history. There are parts that are painful, that I'd rather not revisit. I'd miss out on a lot if I didn't look beyond those parts, though.