Stream of Consciousness: Thoughts from the Tub

I don't want to.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a teacher anymore.

I mean, I work really hard. I research current best practices and try to implement what science says works best. I try to make it fun as well as educational. I try to maintain high standards while supporting the students as they get there. Maybe some of them would miss me. A change in the middle of the year is never easy. But maybe they would get someone better. More successful at everything I try to do. And I wouldn't have to stress anymore. I wouldn't have to research, and plan, and grade. I wouldn't have to be so tired.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a mom anymore.

Okay, okay. Obviously things would be more difficult. Who would get them to sports practice or the ninja gym? Without a second Girl Scout leader, the troop would have to disband. There would be a lot of therapy involved, but they probably need therapy thanks to me already anyway. No matter how much I read about responsive parenting, no matter how often I implement natural consequences, they still won't clean their rooms. Someone else could probably do a better job. I wouldn't have headaches when they have meltdowns. I wouldn't have to worry about all the ways I'm screwing them up. I wouldn't have to be so afraid.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a friend anymore.

This one seems easy. Everyone is busy as an adult anyway. I don't even think they'd notice I was gone. They don't notice when I'm here. The things I do to try to remind them they are loved, to let them know I am thinking about them...are met with silence. They'll fly to other parts of the country to visit their other friends, but a thirty minute drive is too far to see me. I wouldn't have to be so lonely.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a wife anymore.

Am I a wife right now? Or am I more like a roommate who sometimes helps to pay the bills? I told him I was not doing well lately. He texted back a sad face. I get it. He's just as tired of this endless parade as I am. He's frustrated that he can't fix it, so he checked out. Why can't I? I wouldn't have to be so insecure.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be in this skin.

It fails me so often. Why do I feel like I'm getting worse at everything? Why do I feel sick all the time? I'm trying so hard to be healthier, but I feel like I'm getting weaker. I wouldn't have to deal with all the things going on. I wouldn't have to hide my discomfort when someone makes fun of my athletic ability. I wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be in this world.

Who would? It's full of violence and hatred. I see greed everywhere I turn. I feel powerless to make a difference. I think of how much worse it will be for my kids when they are older. I wouldn't have to think about all the ways I don't fit in. I wouldn't have to ponder all the ways I don't measure up. I wouldn't have to be disheartened.

I don't want to be.

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