Love - Is It A Feeling Or A Choice?
Six years ago, a high school classmate reached out to me and my husband to see if he could stay at our house for one night. He and two friends from seminary were passing through the city on the way to Chicago; they were trying to keep costs low on their trip, and we were the only people he still knew in the area. We agreed that they could crash on our couches.
Our collective history with this particular person was an interesting one. He transferred to our high school sophomore year. I got to know him a little bit in some of my classes, and he played soccer with my brother. He also became friends with my husband. At some point near the end of junior year, he admitted that he had a crush on me. I agreed to go on two dates with him, even though I didn't believe that the relationship would become serious - in part because he was moving to Massachusetts that summer. In fact, my husband helped him pack one day, and he later told me that the other guy spent a lot of time talking about how much he enjoyed our dates.
I told the young man that I was not interested in a relationship, but he sent me some poetry and gifts over the summer anyway. In the fall, he told me that he would be in town the weekend of homecoming and wondered if he could be my date. At that point, I was considering asking my husband to homecoming but hadn't yet gathered the courage to do so. I knew I didn't want to go with this guy, though, so I told him that I was planning to ask my husband. He handled the news well, I thought. Later, when I did ask my husband and he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to homecoming, Massachusetts boy was one of the individuals who helped convince my husband eventually to say yes.
I started dating my husband a few weeks after homecoming, and we got married after college. The other guy went to college in Massachusetts. We stayed in touch through social media; while definitely not close, we had no negative feelings about him, so we were happy to host him and his friends while they were in town. My feelings about him changed, however, as a result of the visit.
At one point, the young man asked if we had a yearbook so that he could show his friends what he looked like back then. When I brought down a yearbook, he proceeded to point out every girl who the boys thought was hot back in the day. (Spoiler alert: I was not one of them.) He also listed the reasons they were considered hot. I was shocked that he was having such a conversation with fellow seminarians. I was also embarrassed and uncomfortable. My daughter was present as well, and I prayed that she was young enough to forget what she heard.
The whole episode reinforced my belief that I made the right decision turning him down years ago. I would never have been able to tolerate a disrespectful and condescending attitude toward women, things he hinted at even in high school. It felt wrong at the time, and I chose to avoid it.
So why did I choose to ask my husband to homecoming? Did I take a chance on someone I didn't know very well? Did I feel something different? What made him stand out from my other guy friends?
I had not interacted with my husband much outside of school before we started dating, but I was in most of my classes with him and had seen him interacting with others enough to get a general sense of the type of person he was. The first quality that I noticed was respect. Some people who know him might chuckle a little at that, so, to be fair, he absolutely can be a smart aleck. His humor was never mean, though.
As we started dating and continued to learn more about each other, my husband's respect continued to be the backbone of our relationship. He never asked me to change in any way, and he never made me feel like I needed to be different, even when something may have had a negative impact on him. When I got higher scores in AP Chemistry, he celebrated my success. (Contrast that with another friend who hated being second and seemed to think his grades didn't reflect his superior status.) When I first told him about my depression, he said he wished we had been friends earlier so that he could have tried to help me earlier. When other girls were talking about getting tans so that they would look better in their white graduation dresses, he told them that he was glad I wasn't risking my health for something so trivial.
We've been together a long time now, so things haven't always been that rosy. I know my depression sometimes drains him. I know I do things he wishes I didn't do. He lets me know, however, that he loves me even with my flaws.
So did I choose to fall in love with him, or did my feelings lead me to ask him out? I think it was a little bit of both. I had a sense that he was different - that he really was a good guy. I also respected myself enough to make the choice not to settle for someone who wouldn't fully respect me. I wish more people would do the same!
Our collective history with this particular person was an interesting one. He transferred to our high school sophomore year. I got to know him a little bit in some of my classes, and he played soccer with my brother. He also became friends with my husband. At some point near the end of junior year, he admitted that he had a crush on me. I agreed to go on two dates with him, even though I didn't believe that the relationship would become serious - in part because he was moving to Massachusetts that summer. In fact, my husband helped him pack one day, and he later told me that the other guy spent a lot of time talking about how much he enjoyed our dates.
I told the young man that I was not interested in a relationship, but he sent me some poetry and gifts over the summer anyway. In the fall, he told me that he would be in town the weekend of homecoming and wondered if he could be my date. At that point, I was considering asking my husband to homecoming but hadn't yet gathered the courage to do so. I knew I didn't want to go with this guy, though, so I told him that I was planning to ask my husband. He handled the news well, I thought. Later, when I did ask my husband and he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to homecoming, Massachusetts boy was one of the individuals who helped convince my husband eventually to say yes.
I started dating my husband a few weeks after homecoming, and we got married after college. The other guy went to college in Massachusetts. We stayed in touch through social media; while definitely not close, we had no negative feelings about him, so we were happy to host him and his friends while they were in town. My feelings about him changed, however, as a result of the visit.
At one point, the young man asked if we had a yearbook so that he could show his friends what he looked like back then. When I brought down a yearbook, he proceeded to point out every girl who the boys thought was hot back in the day. (Spoiler alert: I was not one of them.) He also listed the reasons they were considered hot. I was shocked that he was having such a conversation with fellow seminarians. I was also embarrassed and uncomfortable. My daughter was present as well, and I prayed that she was young enough to forget what she heard.
The whole episode reinforced my belief that I made the right decision turning him down years ago. I would never have been able to tolerate a disrespectful and condescending attitude toward women, things he hinted at even in high school. It felt wrong at the time, and I chose to avoid it.
So why did I choose to ask my husband to homecoming? Did I take a chance on someone I didn't know very well? Did I feel something different? What made him stand out from my other guy friends?
I had not interacted with my husband much outside of school before we started dating, but I was in most of my classes with him and had seen him interacting with others enough to get a general sense of the type of person he was. The first quality that I noticed was respect. Some people who know him might chuckle a little at that, so, to be fair, he absolutely can be a smart aleck. His humor was never mean, though.
As we started dating and continued to learn more about each other, my husband's respect continued to be the backbone of our relationship. He never asked me to change in any way, and he never made me feel like I needed to be different, even when something may have had a negative impact on him. When I got higher scores in AP Chemistry, he celebrated my success. (Contrast that with another friend who hated being second and seemed to think his grades didn't reflect his superior status.) When I first told him about my depression, he said he wished we had been friends earlier so that he could have tried to help me earlier. When other girls were talking about getting tans so that they would look better in their white graduation dresses, he told them that he was glad I wasn't risking my health for something so trivial.
We've been together a long time now, so things haven't always been that rosy. I know my depression sometimes drains him. I know I do things he wishes I didn't do. He lets me know, however, that he loves me even with my flaws.
So did I choose to fall in love with him, or did my feelings lead me to ask him out? I think it was a little bit of both. I had a sense that he was different - that he really was a good guy. I also respected myself enough to make the choice not to settle for someone who wouldn't fully respect me. I wish more people would do the same!
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