I Am Not a Car

Many years ago, I read a letter to the editor that really gave me pause. In it, a (presumably young) man insisted that instead of promoting abstinence-only programs, Christians should encourage individuals to engage in sex before marriage. The reason, he explained, was that couples need to know if they are sexually compatible before making a commitment. "You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first," he declared.

I am not going to debate the merits of various sex-education programs, nor will I philosophize about the morality of anyone's life decisions. I want to focus on this particular claim and how laughable it is.

First of all, it is offensive to be compared to a car. I am not an object to be tested and purchased; marriage is not a transaction. Marriage (at least, the sacramental kind) is a covenant. That means husband and wife mutually pledge themselves to each other for the duration of their natural lives. There is no "buyer" and "seller." You can't return your spouse if he turns out to be a lemon. Reducing marriage, which is complicated, difficult, and beautiful, to such a poor metaphor really indicates a lack of respect for the institution and, if we're being honest, probably a lack of respect for your partner, as well.

Secondly, the supposed logic behind the analogy isn't even correct. Any therapist, website, book, or couple will tell you that communication is the most important part of sex. In case you weren't aware, you can (and should) communicate in great detail about all kinds of subjects before you get married. After the fact, if it's not working out perfectly, you can talk about your needs. Committed, loving couples will work together to make sure each partner is happy in the relationship. That doesn't require superior technique or experience - it relies on trust and devotion.

Think about what the man implied. He could have a great relationship with a woman he is considering marrying. Everything else is perfect, but when he has sex with her, sparks don't fly. Is he going to work with his partner to improve the sexual experience, or will he abandon the relationship entirely? His letter implies that he would opt for the latter. While he claims to be a champion of strong marriages, he really just comes across as a jerk.

I would stay far, far away from any man who said he needed to take me for a test drive.

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