'Til Death Do Us Part

Recently my husband and I celebrated our ten year anniversary. When my husband mentioned it at work, his colleagues were surprised we have already been married that long. I guess that's what happens when you get married young (at least by today's standards)!

Given that we've hit the ten-year mark, you might expect me to gush about my husband or reminisce about how wonderful the last decade has been with my best friend. 

Don't get me wrong, my husband is my best friend, and he's an amazing person, but marriage is not always wonderful. It's hard work, and there are many moments I've wanted to walk away. Any of my friends who are close enough to share details about their relationships have indicated similar struggles; communication and respect can be difficult when you spend so much time with the same person.

I once read a post by a friend that said something along the lines of "I need my husband, but he needs me, too." I know what she was trying to say, but I don't like the implications of this statement. First of all, it sounds like codependency, which isn't healthy. Secondly, it eliminates responsibility in the marriage. I think it is much more powerful to say that I am with my husband because I WANT to be with my husband, and I continue to choose to love and support him. It reminds me that reaffirming my love is something I can (and should) do every day.

So what are some ways have I learned to reaffirm my marriage? Certainly ten (sometimes rocky) years do not make me an expert, but here are a few things we have discovered on our journey together:

- Remember that you are friends, too. Personally, if a friend upsets me, I approach the conflict more delicately because I value my friend and want to maintain our friendship. I choose my words carefully. Sometimes in marriage, I think we are quick to attack our partners; we forget to treat them with respect. If you remember that your spouse is also your best friend, maybe you will stop before you say something you can't take back.

- Continue to develop your unique identities, but try to find at least one thing to share. For a long time, my husband and I didn't really have anything that we did together. Recently we discovered rock climbing, and we were hooked. Climbing gives us something fun to do together. We also enjoy researching climbing gyms and watching climbing videos together, so our bonding time extends beyond the actual time on the wall.

- Think about something your spouse loves when you do, and do it often. On the flip side, if there is something your spouse hates doing, consider doing it for them so that they don't have to. For example, I am a germophobe. As a result, I hate taking out the trash. My husband almost always does this chore for me. It shows that he not only pays attention to my feelings (he remembers that it bothers me) but also that he respects them (he doesn't make me do the trash).

- Recall the way you felt about each other before "real life" set in. In some ways, my husband and I were lucky to begin dating in high school. Sure, high school could be stressful, but we had relatively few concerns at the time. We were able to focus on how much fun we had with each other. Things got a little more serious and stressful in college, and then of course moving after marriage, beginning new jobs, and starting a family increased our responsibilities and added strain to the relationship. Sometimes we get so caught up in the things we have to do that we forget to set aside time for each other. My husband used to write me notes all the time. I was very upset one anniversary when he didn't write me a letter or give me a card. He said that he was so busy with work and house projects that he just didn't have time for something that didn't seem like it "needed" to be done. I understood his point, but there will always be projects to complete. Don't let the responsibilities of adulthood drown out the responsibilities to your relationship. For us, we need to remember to go back to when we were kids and how much fun we had simply being together. If you started dating when you were already adults, try to pretend you are kids again. 

Most importantly, remember that you chose to be with this person. You probably worked hard to show them how much you love them. Life gets tough, but don't let that be a reason you neglect your best friend.

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