Rocky Waves, Safe Harbor

Now that we are in the full swing of summer, it seems I encounter at least one wedding anniversary post per day. There are pictures of couples smiling broadly at each other while they declare that they are still "madly in love" with their "best friend." Earlier this year, my husband and I celebrated our 11th anniversary. While my post was not as sentimental as some of the others I've seen, I did still share photos of us kayaking and climbing together to mark the occasion.

I have previously shared how grateful I am to have my husband in my life, the instrumental role he played in first seeking help for my illness, and some of the ways we maintain our connection after all this time together (see "Telling Stories," "Love - Is It A Feeling Or A Choice," and "Til Death Do Us Part"). In many ways, though, my husband and I should not be a successful couple. 

To some extent, we have opposite issues when fighting. My husband will exit the conversation or go to bed before the conflict is fully resolved. The next day, he will act as if nothing happened, and he gets upset if I attempt to continue the discussion. On the other hand, I tend to hold on to my irritation longer than I should. Sometimes, I even bring up old fights, which is called being an "archaeologist" in the world of therapy. 

We speak different love languages. My husband takes care of a lot of things around the house. In his mind, he is trying to make my life easier, so these are gifts to me. I am extremely grateful for everything he does, but I also tend to believe that I could pay someone to clean my house or cook meals. In my mind, true love involves providing emotional stability and a depth of friendship that money can't buy.

My husband and I both have traits that could be considered personality defects, ones that make relationships more difficult. My husband is extremely talented at a number of disciplines, and he is a quick learner. If he is interested in a subject and finds that he can progress quickly, he will research, read, and become proficient in a short period of time. On the flip side, if he finds that something doesn't come as easily (such as relationships), he tends to shut down rather than persevere. For my part, I frequently take things very personally, interpreting even constructive suggestions as attacks. Discussions can escalate to conflict rather easily.

How do we make our marriage work with these obstacles in our way? For one thing, recognizing our difficulties is a sign of maturity, an indication that we want to identify our problems. The second, more critical step is taking action to solve the problems. 

When we fight, I need to learn to focus on the issue at hand, not past grievances. My husband needs to check if I feel we have resolved the issue before he moves on from it. We need to make sure we are supporting each other in authentic, life-giving ways. I need to express my appreciation more for all that my husband does for me, and I need to similarly find ways to ease the stressors in his life. My husband needs to communicate with me in ways that make me feel valued and special to him. In trying to become a better spouse, my husband needs to acknowledge that he has to work on it and put in the effort accordingly. I need to accept that I have faults that do not make me a worthless person; instead, I need to work on them so that I may become a better wife, mother, and friend.

Anyone being honest about marriage will admit that it is incredibly hard work; it is not always fun, and at times it can be very painful. If you commit to each other, to improving yourself and to being a support for your spouse, marriage is also very rewarding. There is no feeling like the safe, sheltered embrace of a husband who loves you completely, faults and all.