Bad at Everything

I can't remember the last time I believed I was "good" at something.

I played softball for several years. I enjoyed practice, but during the games, I literally prayed that the ball would not come to me. I was afraid I would mess up the play, and everyone would see how bad I was.

I avoid playing games that require more skill than luck. I am afraid that the other players will see how stupid I really am or - perhaps worse - I will be reminded of my shortcomings.

Every time I got a good grade on a test, paper, or project, I didn't think I was smart or a good student. I was afraid that I'd fail the next assignment and my charade would be revealed.

My friend once asked me to sing with her for a talent show. Wanting to help her, I at first said yes. When we had our first practice, I was afraid to sing in front of her. How could I let the entire school hear how bad I was?

I know all the things I was bad at: swimming, playing the flute, designing science experiments, interpreting symbolism in novels, acting. I know all the ways I continue to fail: supporting my husband, teaching students, mothering, climbing, being a friend.

I'm bad at everything.

Eventually, you'll notice it, too.

But I try to make it sting less by admitting it before you do.

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