When in Doubt

As someone plagued with self-doubt, I have long envied those who appear so confident. I regularly question my parenting decisions, my career choices, my faith...you get the idea. My doubts would make me uncomfortable, but on top of that, the very fact that I had those doubts in the first place made me feel inferior. If I were a better mom, I reasoned, I would be secure in my decisions. If I were a true Christian, I believed, I wouldn't have so many questions.

While I was unpacking this at counseling one time, my therapist interrupted me. "You are not the type of person who will ever stop having questions."

She proceeded to describe her understanding of my personality. She noted that I am inquisitive, which means I happily read about novel ideas. Afterward, I will process them to determine if I should discard them or incorporate them into my belief system. I believe in science and research, so I will seek out data to inform my decisions. Research changes, so my beliefs may change with the advent of new studies. I am independent, so I am highly unlikely to be the passive sheep certain denominations may wish me to be. Finally, my therapist noted my drive to improve myself. She used my teaching style as an analogy to help me understand my approach to parenting. A biology lesson may have been solid one year, but that didn't prevent me from reading education journals and trying something new the next year. Importantly, I didn't think I was a bad teacher in the past just because I changed what I did. The same should be true of parenting. Whatever decisions I made in the past, I made based on my situation and information at the time. As with teaching, I'm the type of person to continue learning and reading the research. I may change my approach or wish I had done something differently, but it doesn't mean I was a bad mother.

This was the first time anyone had framed my doubts as a potential strength rather than a weakness. More specifically, my doubts flowed from personality traits that could be considered positive attributes. In my years of counseling, this was probably one of the biggest breakthroughs. It doesn't mean that I don't struggle with my doubts anymore, but it does give me an extra tool to deal with them. 

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