What Hurts the Most

My husband recently started providing test-prep tutoring to a former student of mine. At their first session, the student mentioned that she had signed up for AP Bio but dropped the class once she learned I wouldn't be teaching it. 

I sent the exchange to my mom. She replied, "I'm sure it's nice to hear that validation of your teaching, but you shouldn't feel guilty for choosing to take care of yourself."

Moms know everything, don't they?

You see, I did feel guilty. It reminded me of the e-mails from students saying that they missed me. I contemplated the letters I received at the end of last school year, one of which said I was the only teacher who didn't make the student feel stupid for asking questions or needing more time to work out the right answer. I felt like I was letting those students down, and it hurt.

Then I reflected on my reasons for stepping back. You know what else hurt?

It hurt that when I vocalized my struggles, an unknown individual chose to share that with administration, possibly to get me in trouble. i don't know why someone would want to get me in trouble, but I don't know why else they would have done it. I suppose it's also possible they wanted administration to check in with me, though said individual did not personally reach out to me.

It hurt that administration did not, in fact, check in with me. At least five days passed in between when they were made aware of my post and when they finally addressed it with me. This was in spite of the fact that I had other conversations, one-on-one, with them during that time frame. They didn't ask how I was. 

It hurt that when they did talk about it, administration asked me to limit discussion of my struggles because a parent could find out and could assume I was dangerous. Administration implied that they would not defend me against any such claim, should one arise.

In fact, administration seemed to think I very well could be dangerous. When I disclosed to a coworker, privately, that I was continuing to struggle, they passed it along to the higher-ups. Administration told me I needed to stay home. I wasn't permitted back in the school or at any end-of-year events until I went through an undisclosed process, despite three separate medical professionals asserting that I was fit for duty. 

Of course, I had to communicate with my students that I wasn't going to be in for the remainder of the year. It hurt that I was asked to keep it vague or even blame my family because simply admitting that I needed to focus on my health would be a "distraction" to the students. 

By this point, I was exhausted and aware that I needed to make changes to get better. I decided I couldn't improve if I continued to work full-time in a classroom, so I declined to return for the current school year. 

I want to make it abundantly clear that I harbor no ill-will toward anyone. I have the utmost respect for all of my former colleagues, many of whom I consider friends. I know that they have to make difficult decisions and then deal with irate parents who don't like the outcome. I genuinely believe they made their choices based on what they felt was best for the school, especially the students. 

This is entirely about me. It's about my decline in mental health, my decision to continue being open about my struggles, and my decision to step back to focus on healing. It's clear that I still have a lot of work to do to heal from past pain, though. 

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