Why I Don't Care If My Children Are "Smart"
I was never particularly popular in grade school. My classmates were not especially mean to me, but I was rarely invited to hang out with most of the girls, and no boy was interested in me. I began to feel isolated. Adolescence is, of course, a stage marked by confusion and searching. As I tried to figure out who I was and how I mattered, I found one consistency in my life: I was earning straight As. The pattern continued into high school. Slowly and insidiously, my grades began to form my identity.
On the surface, everything looked great. Most students want good grades, and I made my family proud. Inside, however, I was a wreck. I was stressed all the time. I had panic attacks before tests. I may have avoided trying new things because I was afraid I would fail. Since my grades had become the most important part of me, I was terrified of not doing well enough. I actually believed that a B on my report card would mean I was worthless. If I couldn't earn the best grades, then what good was I?
This experience is contrary to my real beliefs about education. I think knowledge is extremely important in its own right. It is a tool for improving ourselves and society. In school, motivation should come from within: we should work hard because we want to keep learning. I want my children to do their best because they value education. However, their worth does not come from whatever they will achieve. Their happiness and health mean infinitely more to me than grades ever could. I hope that their drive and self-esteem are not externally dictated so that as they grow up they can avoid some of the pain I experienced.
Of course being smart provides advantages. It makes it easier to do well in school, and that opens up more doors later in life. If I could bestow the gift of intelligence on my children, I wouldn't decline the opportunity. Hard work and being a good person go a long way in achieving success, however. They can also be taught (and practiced), so I will focus on those qualities.
I know it's common for parents to post stories about how well their children are doing in school or about the amazing things they are accomplishing. It is appropriate to be proud of your children, and there is nothing wrong with sharing that pride. I am going to resist the temptation to follow suit, though, so that I may more authentically lead my children by example. They don't need to be "smart;" they are already perfect to me.
On the surface, everything looked great. Most students want good grades, and I made my family proud. Inside, however, I was a wreck. I was stressed all the time. I had panic attacks before tests. I may have avoided trying new things because I was afraid I would fail. Since my grades had become the most important part of me, I was terrified of not doing well enough. I actually believed that a B on my report card would mean I was worthless. If I couldn't earn the best grades, then what good was I?
This experience is contrary to my real beliefs about education. I think knowledge is extremely important in its own right. It is a tool for improving ourselves and society. In school, motivation should come from within: we should work hard because we want to keep learning. I want my children to do their best because they value education. However, their worth does not come from whatever they will achieve. Their happiness and health mean infinitely more to me than grades ever could. I hope that their drive and self-esteem are not externally dictated so that as they grow up they can avoid some of the pain I experienced.
Of course being smart provides advantages. It makes it easier to do well in school, and that opens up more doors later in life. If I could bestow the gift of intelligence on my children, I wouldn't decline the opportunity. Hard work and being a good person go a long way in achieving success, however. They can also be taught (and practiced), so I will focus on those qualities.
I know it's common for parents to post stories about how well their children are doing in school or about the amazing things they are accomplishing. It is appropriate to be proud of your children, and there is nothing wrong with sharing that pride. I am going to resist the temptation to follow suit, though, so that I may more authentically lead my children by example. They don't need to be "smart;" they are already perfect to me.
You are right about grass not defining value in education. However, please do post (or text) about their accomplishments (academic and otherwise) every once and a while so that those of us who live away can share in their growth!
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