I Am Not Enough

I have five or six topics saved that I mean to discuss eventually. Some of them would work really well right now: an exploration of prayer or perhaps a reflection on last year's trip to Scotland, for example. While I look forward to writing and sharing those posts, I decided to go a little darker tonight.

Currently, I am in a pretty stable position when it comes to my anxiety and depression. When I am stressed, lonely, or sad, though, the negative voices get louder. They become more convincing. They always tell me that I am not enough.

I am not enough for my family. I don't know how to clean, organize, prepare meals, and still find quality time with them. I don't think I read enough to my kids. No matter what I accomplish in the morning, it comes at the expense of something else. I may have done a load of laundry and hung it outside, put away yesterday's load, and washed the dishes, but my son was on his tablet that morning. Maybe another day I took him to play sports at the gym, but I didn't get the groceries for dinner. I don't know how to keep the home harmonious. I am not enough.

I am not enough for my students. They don't like to participate in class. Maybe I haven't explained the material well enough. Maybe I am not engaging enough. I don't know how to be the right mix of creative, inspiring, challenging, and helpful. I want to do my job well, but I am not enough.

I am not enough for the world. My career is not prestigious enough. I don't earn enough. I don't volunteer enough. I am not an important part of my community. I am not enough.

On good days, I can reason with myself to fight some of the bad thoughts. Very few parents think they are perfect at their parenting skills. All my friends who are honest about marriage admit it is difficult. Also, my friends are busy; just because I haven't heard from them in awhile doesn't mean they no longer like me. Teenagers never provide much feedback, and they are a mercurial bunch. The world's opinion is irrelevant. More often than not, worldly goals lead to more heartbreak than happiness.

I am doing my best, and that is all I can do.

Yet, the negative voices win sometimes. Lately, they have been getting a little louder. I will have to fight back harder.

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