How Can I Help?
By now you know a little bit about my story, and there is a good chance you also know other individuals struggling with anxiety or depression. You may be wondering about some ways you can support those who are suffering from mental illness.
I am certainly not an an expert, but in my experience, it is most helpful when someone stands by me (emotionally and physically) when I am in my worst moments. You have to show your friends that you love them, ugly parts and all.
During one of my most difficult periods several years ago, I struggled to function normally. Leaving the house - or even my room - was a challenge. During that time, an individual confronted me about missing church, saying he was "concerned for my soul." In my depressed state, I heard, "I think you're going to hell." And while the individual may have been looking out for my spiritual well-being, he never once asked about my emotional state. He never once asked what he could do to support me.
I also know many people who are against the use of pharmaceuticals. In trying to help their acquaintances obtain optimum health and wellness, they post about exercises, prayers, meditations, herbs, and other alternative therapies you should use to manage depression. In the grips of the disease, though, all those stories seem to mock me. I already feel bad about myself, and then I feel even worse when I think I might not be trying hard enough to beat it on my own.
Of course, it's important to pay attention to your spiritual health. It's ideal to exercise, eat healthily, and avoid unnecessary drugs. But when you are depressed, you often don't have the energy to attend to any of those things. You don't want to get out of bed, so how are you going to make it to church? You might be mad at God for your situation. You might have prayed endlessly for help and feel like He hasn't answered. Church may be the last place you would go if you could drag yourself out of the house.
You can be so tired when you are depressed, you want to sleep all the time. Exercise seems impossible. You might not want to eat at all, or you may crave junk food, so getting proper nutrition is very hard. When you're in that pit, you feel like you are never going to get out.
So as a friend, you need to climb down in the pit, too. You need to let your loved ones know you accept them even at those moments. They don't need lectures or tips, at least not then. They just need you to be with them without any judgment. Your friends need this support - this foundation of love - before they can begin to build back up again.
This may mean climbing down in the pit over and over again. For most individuals, the depression will keep coming back. I know it can be frustrating and tiring, but you have to keep standing by them. My husband sometimes doesn't want to deal with the situation; I can be in the middle of an episode, and he will walk away. He wishes I could be better already, or he doesn't understand why I bring up the same topics repeatedly. I know it's hard for him, but it is so painful when he turns away. Try not to do that. Your friends need to know you will continue to be there for them.
You don't have to talk. In fact, it might be better if you don't say anything at first. Be with your friends. Show them you love and support them - not just when they are happy, not just when they are living "good" lives. Slowly, they will open up to you. Then you can invite them to go out, maybe for a walk. If they don't accept right away, don't push them. Just continue to be with them. Eventually, you can help them take more steps to get better. Going to a support group. Seeking counseling. Talking to a spiritual advisor. Choosing an exercise they like. Eating healthily. Perhaps, even, taking some medication. They might not be on it forever; they may just need to use it to stabilize before they can fall back on other techniques. But whatever they need to do, allow them to do it gradually and without criticism.
Honestly, if you don't seem to love me when I need you to love me the most, I won't believe I am worthy of love. I won't think I can ever get better, and I won't try to get help. I still carry the scars from the time I believed the man was telling me that I am going to hell. I still think he doesn't believe I'm good enough. I still feel the pain from when he listed my problems but didn't offer any help to fix them.
I still don't feel good enough.
I am certainly not an an expert, but in my experience, it is most helpful when someone stands by me (emotionally and physically) when I am in my worst moments. You have to show your friends that you love them, ugly parts and all.
During one of my most difficult periods several years ago, I struggled to function normally. Leaving the house - or even my room - was a challenge. During that time, an individual confronted me about missing church, saying he was "concerned for my soul." In my depressed state, I heard, "I think you're going to hell." And while the individual may have been looking out for my spiritual well-being, he never once asked about my emotional state. He never once asked what he could do to support me.
I also know many people who are against the use of pharmaceuticals. In trying to help their acquaintances obtain optimum health and wellness, they post about exercises, prayers, meditations, herbs, and other alternative therapies you should use to manage depression. In the grips of the disease, though, all those stories seem to mock me. I already feel bad about myself, and then I feel even worse when I think I might not be trying hard enough to beat it on my own.
Of course, it's important to pay attention to your spiritual health. It's ideal to exercise, eat healthily, and avoid unnecessary drugs. But when you are depressed, you often don't have the energy to attend to any of those things. You don't want to get out of bed, so how are you going to make it to church? You might be mad at God for your situation. You might have prayed endlessly for help and feel like He hasn't answered. Church may be the last place you would go if you could drag yourself out of the house.
You can be so tired when you are depressed, you want to sleep all the time. Exercise seems impossible. You might not want to eat at all, or you may crave junk food, so getting proper nutrition is very hard. When you're in that pit, you feel like you are never going to get out.
So as a friend, you need to climb down in the pit, too. You need to let your loved ones know you accept them even at those moments. They don't need lectures or tips, at least not then. They just need you to be with them without any judgment. Your friends need this support - this foundation of love - before they can begin to build back up again.
This may mean climbing down in the pit over and over again. For most individuals, the depression will keep coming back. I know it can be frustrating and tiring, but you have to keep standing by them. My husband sometimes doesn't want to deal with the situation; I can be in the middle of an episode, and he will walk away. He wishes I could be better already, or he doesn't understand why I bring up the same topics repeatedly. I know it's hard for him, but it is so painful when he turns away. Try not to do that. Your friends need to know you will continue to be there for them.
You don't have to talk. In fact, it might be better if you don't say anything at first. Be with your friends. Show them you love and support them - not just when they are happy, not just when they are living "good" lives. Slowly, they will open up to you. Then you can invite them to go out, maybe for a walk. If they don't accept right away, don't push them. Just continue to be with them. Eventually, you can help them take more steps to get better. Going to a support group. Seeking counseling. Talking to a spiritual advisor. Choosing an exercise they like. Eating healthily. Perhaps, even, taking some medication. They might not be on it forever; they may just need to use it to stabilize before they can fall back on other techniques. But whatever they need to do, allow them to do it gradually and without criticism.
Honestly, if you don't seem to love me when I need you to love me the most, I won't believe I am worthy of love. I won't think I can ever get better, and I won't try to get help. I still carry the scars from the time I believed the man was telling me that I am going to hell. I still think he doesn't believe I'm good enough. I still feel the pain from when he listed my problems but didn't offer any help to fix them.
I still don't feel good enough.
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