Life-long Battle

I've been struggling a little more than usual lately. I don't know if stress or other circumstances have played a role, but I know that I've had a hard time accepting myself and being positive in the past month or so.

Over the weekend, I woke up and felt in my soul that I am going to die from this disease. Now, before you call 911 on my behalf, I don't mean that I am planning to take my own life. Many days, though, I feel that my condition has already sucked the life out of me.

In so many ways, depression is winning. I'm never sure if I will find enough happiness to make up for the pain and doubt I experience. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with myself. I wonder if I can let go of my fears and regrets.

When things don't seem worthwhile, it's possible that I won't take care of myself like I should, which could impact my health. Many other conditions are also linked to depression. If they manifest, their physical toll could send me further into depression, and I could spiral downward. The other conditions could be even more dangerous, too.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be optimistic and confident. I'm jealous of those who don't carry around all this extra weight. Why do I have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life?

I'm weary from the fight.

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