Mommy War...Against Myself

The is no shortage of parenting advice in this world, especially online. Even friends share articles and tidbits about their beliefs; the information ranges in nature from helpful to proselytizing. Most of the time I can navigate the posts with relative ease, scanning the ones that interest me and ignoring the ones I don't expect to be useful. I have my anxieties, of course, but I recognize that every situation is unique, so there is no one "perfect" approach to parenting.

It is perhaps a little strange, then, that a topic I find to be among the most difficult is one that my friends don't discuss that often. Every time someone shares a birth story, though, it comes up, and I have to struggle with my feelings anew.

An acquaintance recently gave birth in a birthing center. Having a natural birth, she was able to go home later the same day and begin bonding with her baby at home. My births were not traumatic by any means, but I did not give birth naturally. Sometimes I feel bad about that.

Now, if any other person were telling me her story, I would not judge her at all. I know several individuals who had medically necessary cesareans. I know women who were induced because of dangerous circumstances. I know people who had epidurals because of prolonged labor or nerve conditions. Even if women opt for those procedures in non-emergency situations, I don't think anything of it.

So why is it that whenever a woman proudly announces she didn't use any pain medication, I start to feel uncomfortable with myself? Why do "empowered birth" campaigns make me hate myself a little?

It's like I can't be part of the club because I wasn't strong enough, or patient enough, or woman enough.

Or maybe it's because it's one thing I absolutely failed. I've tried plenty of things I wasn't great at doing, but I don't know if I've ever failed something before. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, or maybe I didn't want it badly enough, but I failed at natural birth.

When I'm rational, when I'm talking myself through the memories, I can accept my decisions. I don't think more preparation or dedication would've changed the outcome. But each time I encounter a new birth story, the pain becomes fresh and it takes awhile to come back to peace. I hope it gets easier over time.  

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