Packet of Wildflower Seeds

Recently there was some controversy concerning an ad released by a certain shaving company. The commercial showed various offensive behaviors while asking men to act better. Predictably, the Internet was divided over whether the ad was a positive message for humanity or a vicious attack on men. While the commercial claimed to focus on "toxic masculinity," some saw it as demeaning toward all males and lamented the classification of masculinity as a negative thing. Some commentators asked, "why can't boys be boys?" I had many thoughts during and after watching the ad, but one question in particular lingers. It is a question I have actually wrestled with before. When people say that men should be masculine and women should be feminine, what exactly do they mean? Growing up, I never felt especially girly. In fact, for a brief period of time, I purchased and wore boys' clothing. I wasn't trying to reject my biological makeup; I just found boys' cl...

While I got to spend time with many friends and family members over Christmas break, I did not get a chance to see one particular friend from high school. We met freshmen year and have remained close in spite of the distance our various moves have put between us. Sometimes when I talk about this individual to other high school acquaintances, they mention that she once considered becoming a nun. They used to make fun of her for that fact. Sometimes, it seems like they are still laughing at the memory of it. Because of their response, I never tell them that I, too, once contemplated the religious life. Celibacy and poverty aren't popular at an age when much of your social standing is determined by your relationship status and perceived wealth. It's understandable that I would have kept my ideas to myself when I was a fragile teenager, but it's a shame for me to continue to pretend they never existed. In truth, I believe the world could use more people acting like nuns do....

Recently I wrote about the feelings that would lead me to consider suicide. I explained, however, that suicide isn't really my first choice for getting away from the pain I experience. Truthfully, I wish I could run away from everything and live in a place where no one knew me or had any expectations for me. Based on a journal entry from October of 2004, it seems I've had similar feelings for a long time: I feel so much pain right now, even though I shouldn’t. I can’t do it.  I wish I wasn’t this way, but it’s horrible being reminded every day how everyone is better than I am. It just all seems so pointless.  I obviously don’t matter to anyone.  I’m not good at anything, so what can I contribute to the world? I don’t know what to do.  I can’t run, because I’ve been doing that too long.  But it’s what I really want to do.  I want to be away from all the people I know: the ones who scare me, the ones who ignore me, the ones who hurt me, even the one...

This past week was a little rough at work. In an effort to deal with the stress, I allowed myself to ponder what I could be doing if I had made different life choices. Is there a perfect career out there for me? I don't know. My gut feeling is that there is not. Nonetheless, here are some other jobs I have considered: I frequently wonder if I missed my calling by not choosing to write for a living. My most influential English teacher encouraged me to write; even one of my history teachers called me for a meeting one morning to ask about my future plans. Based on the quality of my papers, she said it would be a shame if I gave up writing completely. In middle school I did think I would write, but ultimately I was too afraid of deadlines, criticism, and stiff competition to pursue that path. Those are probably still reasonable concerns, but sometimes I daydream about writing science nonfiction books or articles for magazines. By now it's obvious that I love sharing knowledg...

It bothers me that I don't have a clever introduction to this post, but maybe it's just as well. I realize this one has the potential to make people tune me out. They might say, "she never has anything happy to say." "She doesn't appreciate all that she has." "She shouldn't share those things publicly." But here I am. So... Have I ever thought about suicide? Yes. I suppose most people have. You just thought about it as you read that sentence. Perhaps the more pointed question is: have I ever considered it? Yes. I won't go into details, and I will specify that it's not my ideal path (that's an explanation for a future post). It's sufficient for this story to say my thoughts were concerning enough at one point that my then-therapist recommended I go to the ER, just to be safe. There, the medical professionals asked me the always-tricky question: why? I don't know, but here are some possibilities. Because the good...

Growing up, I generally wrote poetry to express my feelings; with no intended audience I had no concern for how "good" my work sounded. However, in high school - the time of learning new SAT vocabulary and literary analysis terms - I sometimes tried to throw in words just because I had recently learned them. Other times I used words simply because I liked the sensory experience they evoked. For example, many of my poems contain the word "obsidian" because I think it conveys a darker and more mysterious picture than other options. It is from these habits that "Twilight on Summer" was born. I wanted to write a poem about the change of seasons, but upon reading the work, it is also obvious that I wanted to use some fancy words. At the time I wrote it, I remember being very satisfied with my impressive vocabulary. Now that I am older, when I revisit the poem, I cringe. Too much of it doesn't make sense! Take a look: Summer drains along blackened eaves ...

This summer I had the opportunity to attend an Evanescence concert. I started listening to Evanescence in high school; I appreciated that they touched upon deeper subjects, but they did so in a haunting, beautiful way rather than a make-your-ears-bleed style like heavy metal. Not everyone may like their music, but it's hard to argue that Amy Lee doesn't have a great voice. One day I was listening to Pandora, and a song played from Evanescence's little-known demo album Origin . I really liked the song, so I tried to find it from other sources. This led me to YouTube and another song from Origin : "Field of Innocence." The song discusses the loss of childhood innocence and wonder. The powerful lyrics include the following: I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all This touches upon so many maternal nerves right now. First of all, time is passing too quickly. My kids are getting bigger, and I feel like these moments are slipping th...